I struggle to socialise.
I don’t know how to jump in.
I can’t follow the cacophony of conversation.
I feel like I have nothing,
important, pertinent, interesting,
enough, to share.
I panic at the thought,
embarrassment engulfs me,
enveloping eyes aimed at mine,
red face, stuttered, mumbled,
words..?
Don’t get me wrong,
I’ve got topics, things,
fixations, facts, obsessions,
hobbies, stories, and opinions.
Just none of them fit.
My crowd is not my crowd,
so much of what I know and think,
that gives me sparkles of joy,
is unknown to them.
My crowd would be the tech nerds,
the open source weekenders,
drivers of new ways of working,
new tools, digital shinies.
They go to conferences on accessibility,
have coffee and code mornings,
glorify digital systems and frameworks,
take pride in an array of screens.
But my actual crowd,
the ones I spend my time with,
they can be loud, messy, dirty,
ignorant or aggressive.
That’s of no concern though,
for what they really are,
is…
Explosively creative,
community oriented,
friendly & supportive.
They are wonderfully weird,
we share passion for music,
stomp and charge around muddy fields,
forces to be reckoned with.
When all of this is present,
I feel like a part of a whole.
But I have never truly felt close,
able to open up to any of them,
most of this is my negative thinking,
worries from past results.
I struggle to trust.
I don’t know how to tell,
if they hear or are just there.
I can’t break down the wall.
Drugs have always helped,
substance stimulation quells the worry,
frees me to be me,
by not being me.
I’m an introvert.
I don’t thrive in social situations.
I can’t make myself want to do these things.
Which is fine,
I always enjoy me time,
finding new things to try,
hobbies to explore,
space to think.
It’s just really hard,
I go to my partner when I’m hurt,
knocked down, or suffering.
But when they’re not around,
or if this ends down the line,
who would I go to.
I will be alone.
I won’t know what to do.
I will not want just my own singular space.
Who will I be able to trust, to save me?