Being asked,
being told,
being made aware of,
does not mean it is a “need”.
I’ve found that I take,
a responsibility,
when someone tells me something,
an informative statement,
with a feeling of request.
Still not a need.
I’ve always done this,
given in to that feeling,
it comes from a good place,
a want to help.
I learned to do this,
when I was growing up,
doing chores and work,
without instruction or fuss.
Making sure the house,
was clean from top to bottom,
before anyone got home,
before anything got heated.
Thinking on it now,
all I wanted was my mum,
to be happy, content,
supportive instead of critical.
Unfortunately it mostly,
didn’t go that way,
things not done right,
not up to her standard.
No time now for kind words,
a hug, a conversation,
she had to remedy our mistakes.
A daily dose of guilt,
the idea of correct or stress,
perfect before play,
burrowing into my psyche.
So even now if my partner,
a friend or colleague,
one that I feel a connection to,
has a “request”,
something I’ve deemed as important,
to them, who knows, maybe not.
Becomes a need,
a toxic seed of pressure.
“Do it now,
disregard yourself”.
If I do it now,
I can get more done,
be more useful,
help more, haste.
This is not sustainable,
it makes me a tool for others,
not by their doing,
by my own love language,
value in actions.
When really it isn’t the action,
not for those people,
the ones that have shared with me,
they want support, a listening ear.
Then maybe I can help,
maybe I can step in,
but I can’t anymore,
not as a reflex.
This is something I need to,
keep in check,
find the happy middle ground
where I can find selfish peace.